NOTE: This was started approximately a month ago but had been saved as a draft since then. I tried to proofread it and edit as needed, but… I don’t want to dwell on the tougher moments of life. The following may or may not include everything I was feeling at the time, but consider it a rant and an insight to some things foreign teachers may go through.
It’s about time to make the ultimate decision of whether or not I stay or go.
This is also because the relationship between my Co’s and I have become more strained than friendly for the most part. It’s more like we’re used to each other and tolerate one another but we don’t truly care about each other rather than the superficial things that displays that we’re on speaking terms. I don’t know what’s going on in their lives and vice versa. In short, I just want to get it all over with. I still like my kids a lot but because of my Co’s attitudes, nothing’s as exciting anymore. It’s coming to the point where I just don’t care, though I’m under the impression a lot of fellow GETs are in the same fix as me.
It came to something of a climax on Friday during lunch when the one Co still eating started off a conversation where she told me that she didn’t want to tell me something and it’s hard to do, but she has to (this always means it’s something that may not very pleasing to hear – it’s a Korean thing that gets on my nerves most of the time but never fails to amuse me). Honestly, if it’s hard to do and you’d rather not do it, why tell me? It’s like they just make it harder for themselves. Just spit it out.
There’s always the calm before the storm and guess what? I’m currently being buffeted around by the aforementioned storm.
I had texted my head Coteacher over the Chuseok weekend telling her I was interested in staying for another year and if there was something I had to do to get it done. She never replied and it was never mentioned in class. I took it to mean she wasn’t 100% certain I should sign on for another year – and I was right. She finally told me her thoughts a week and a half later at the urgings of my other Co – the more opinionated and openly stubborn one.
There’s stewing to be had. This term stuck after a fellow GET today spoke to me about his problems he’s been encountering with his coteachers and he spoke about how they “kept it in and stewed” and never told him anything even when they had a problem with him. He’s adamant about letting them stew and bringing in a camcorder to videotape them when they finally explode. Well, this has been happening to me and I decided I like the term “stew”. I’ve been meaning to write a post about it, venting it out and expressing that with how every good thing is paired with a bad thing, but I never got down to it. Well, I decided that it should be let out. I’ve confided in friends, but I also want to look back on this blog and know – remind myself – that my time in Korea wasn’t all about food, adventures, cultural epiphanies, teaching and learning, and little moments of, “ohmygosh, that’s so cute!!!”
There are these black coals to be found as well. Little, mind you, but still very much there.
As we all know, I love my coteachers for the most part. However, I wish we were closer. I wish we hung out outside of work, outside of our monthly get-togethers. I wish we went on trips together on our own time. I wish we send messages to one another on our cell phones. I basically wish I knew more about each other, rather than what I encounter in the workplace, because I know that how I act in the workplace doesn’t reflect how I usually act. I wish we did all these things because sometimes, it feels like I’m a burden, like I’m doing something wrong, like those moments when we do get together and when we do talk are merely formalities and being well-mannered and polite. As if if they had a choice, they wouldn’t be talking to me. Most of all, I wish that when they spoke to me, it isn’t about how something can be changed or about work. There are moments where we just chat about our lives, but those are few and far in between and they still feel more like a formality than genuine interest.
It’s half past ten and I’m sleepy and with a good mind to just take a shower (well, after I skim through tomorrow’s stuff) and crash. However, today was just one of those days. The days that make you rethink things or even begin to. The days that makes you wonder why you woke up in the first place, why I moved to Korea, why I decided to come here to teach of all things. This was one of those days that make me want to just collapse where I standing, pull at my hair in frustration, and do serious acts of violence all at once.
Okay, it wasn’t that bad, but it’s bad enough that I felt even halfway there because I’m someone who takes things at face value (but also overthinks things but by the time I come to a conclusion, I’ve also decided it doesn’t matter anymore) and tends to give people and things the benefit of the doubt. Things don’t normally bother me and when they do, I brush them aside or just ignore them. I guess some things just built up – not to mention that this is the last week that male coworker of mine, the one who was aiming to be my boyfriend and supplies me with episodes of Bones, will be working at my school. That means that I’ll be stuck with a bunch of female coworkers who I do like but we’re just not that close beginning next week. The whole Wall of Professionalism prevents me from being close and they only really talk to me when we’re alone or when they need something. I’m already someone who hesitates before talking to people and this really isn’t helping.